Miscarriage: Our Experience
It’s taken me a few months to write this post, not because I didn’t have the words, but for fear of putting them down wrong and causing pain for anyone going through their own fertility journey. I am HIGHLY aware of the fact that so many women have it much worse than me, and I would never want my experience to come off as a comparison to others’ journeys or pain. This is simply my story, and if it can make 1 person feel less alone, then it’s worth it.
You can read more about our journey to getting pregnant here, but here’s the jist: We had been trying for about 10 months when I realized something was wrong. After finding out that I had PCOS and was not in fact ovulating on my own, I learned that all of those months of trying were pointless. #Cool
In November, I was started on a fertility drug called Letrozole (or femara), which helps induce ovulation by making you release an egg. Miraculously, those 5 days worth of pills did their job and I conceived that first cycle! Adam and I were shocked that it worked the very first try, and obviously overcome with joy. We made a doctor’s appointment to confirm the pregnancy for later that week, and that’s where blood work was done and a urine analysis concluded that I was, indeed, pregnant! Adam came home with an embarrassing display of celebrations — a GIANT jar of pickles, flowers, organic chicken (because we were “going to be healthy now for the baby”), and every type of chocolate you can imagine. It was adorable. While a part of us knew not to get too ahead of ourselves, we also couldn’t help but celebrate. After 10 months of stressing, obsessing, and fearing the worst, we were finally pregnant!
That news came crashing down about a week later. My initial bloodwork had come back lower than we expected. My doctor assured me it was probably fine, but asked me to come back 2 days later to re-check my levels. Unfortunately, on the day I had planned to go back in for testing, I woke up with extreme cramping and bleeding, and confirmed what I already knew…we were miscarrying.
The fact that I was only 6 weeks along brings a lot of mixed feelings with it. For one, I felt guilty for being so devastated, when I knew how many women had it so much worse. Was I being overly dramatic for having such an extreme sense of loss, when I hadn’t even heard a heart beat yet? I also felt confused. Was it something I had done, or didn’t do, that caused this? Was there a high chance of this happening again?
It’s taken me a few months to come to terms with some of these, but here are a few “Wish I Knews” as it relates to miscarriage.
#1: Your emotions are completely valid, regardless of how far along you were, or how long you knew for. Seeing that plus sign on a pregnancy test that you’ve waited so long to see immediately sparks hope. You start planning baby names, the nursery, and picturing a whole future for this life you’re growing. The fact that this can be taken away so quickly is devastating, period. It’s a loss. I wish I would have validated my feelings and known that they were completely normal.
#2: It’s not your fault. This is something I wish I had understood early on, because the guilt game can be all-consuming. The fact of the matter is that 1 in 4 pregnancies sadly end in miscarriage. Often times, there’s a chromosome abnormality, meaning the embryo is not strong enough to support life. There’s nothing you could have done differently. It wasn’t because of that glass of wine you drank before finding out you were pregnant. It wasn’t from the extra hard workout you did the week before. It would have happened no matter what. I was shocked to learn how common miscarriages are, and in a strange way, I have to admit it comforted me by knowing I wasn’t alone.
#3: Don’t try to go through this alone. For so long, I had gone through this journey by myself, not wanting to tell friends or family we were trying because I didn’t want the added pressure from them, or the “is she drinking alcohol or water” stares. I didn’t realize it in the moment, but looking back, it was an isolating experience. When you’re actively trying to get pregnant, it’s basically all you can think about. Having difficulty conceiving resulted in countless hours on Google, trying to comfort myself through the unknown. I urge anyone going through this fertility journey to connect with someone—friends, family, anonymous users through online forums or apps, whatever! It will make the process so much less isolating and will validate whatever emotions you’re feeling. There is an amazing community of women going through a similar journey of their own, and connecting with these individuals instantly comforted me.
#4: Its ok to be sad when seeing pregnancy announcements. Any feeling of resentment or jealousy doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend. You can be excited for a friend while still having it sting a bit and wondering “why not me.” It’s hard to not compare yourself to others and wonder why some can get pregnant on the first try while others can’t, and it’s perfectly normal to feel whatever you’re feeling.
#5: Your spouse may process a loss differently than how you do. This was one that really got to me. Adam was an incredible support system and was 100% there for me each day, but his grieving looked very different than mine. I vividly remember about a week after the miscarriage started, I walked out of the bathroom and saw Adam on the bed, laughing at a Youtube video. I couldn’t believe that he even had the brain capacity to laugh at a time like this, and was jealous that he was able to think of anything other than this loss, while my body physically reminded me of it every minute. He also unknowingly made some remarks that came off as insensitive (such as “at least we were only pregnant for 2 weeks”). I know he didn’t mean anything by them, but they made me feel like my emotions were overly-dramatic and unjustified, since it had been such an early loss. It took a few conversations and a lot of patience to explain to him why those comments hurt me, and it also took time for me to understand that it’s okay if this loss didn’t affect him in the same way it affected me. Everyone has to go through grief in their own way, and I think the most important thing is that you can talk about how you’re feeling and support each other in whatever way is needed.
#6: A miscarriage does not necessarily mean you’re more likely to miscarry again. I say this cautiously, because I understand that everyone’s situation is different, and there may be medical reasons behind the miscarriage beyond a chromosomal abnormality. However, it seems that the majority of miscarriages are simply bad statistics (1 in 4). In my case, I was extremely worried that it would take me another 10+ months to get pregnant again, and that I would be at risk for losing the baby again. I know this does not happen for everybody, but I do want to share that in my case, I was fortunate enough to conceive 3 weeks later, without ever getting a period in between. I recognize that I was lucky enough to begin my next cycle of fertility medicine so quickly after the miscarriage (2 weeks later), which is also not the case for some who are further along or require an operation.
My doctor informed me that your body is “more fertile” following a miscarriage, and that a single miscarriage does not impact your chances for going on to have a healthy pregnancy. I don’t say this to give false hope to anyone, as I know it can certainly take a lot longer and there are unfortunately situations of recurrent loss, but I do want to provide hope to anyone feeling nervous, because it CAN be a success shortly after.
#7: The internet is a dark hole of scary information. While I encourage you to find support groups or online chats with women going through similar situations, I do caution the use of Googling symptoms. There is a scary story out there for almost anything you search for, and it can be more harmful than helpful to read a lot of it. One site I did find extremely helpful, though, was this miscarriage odds reassurer. You can plug in how far along you are and see what the statistics are of everything being fine. And because one stat isn’t enough, you can click “reassure me again” for even more positivity. I loved checking that site in moments of panic or anxiety, and watching the numbers get better and better with each passing day.
#8: Check in on your friends. I can’t tell you how much a quick “I’m thinking of you,” or “You’ve got this” text meant to me. If you know your friend has a doctors appointment or procedure scheduled, shoot them a quick message that morning to let them know you’re there for them. It really makes such a difference.
#9: You never know what people are going through. I had never given a second thought to asking a married friend “sooooo? Are you guys going to have a baby soon?” The thought of this comment now sends shivers down my spine. Unless you’ve experienced difficulty conceiving or a loss, it’s hard to know that a question as simple as that could cause someone so much pain. The reality is, we don’t know what everyone is going through behind closed doors, and it could be a deeply triggering thing to ask them about.
#10: You’re not alone. I can’t say this enough. There is such an incredible, supportive group of women going through similar struggles, and they’re right there with you on your journey.
I know this is a lot to take in, and I hope this post doesn’t scare anyone who hasn’t experienced a loss. My hope in sharing this deeply personal experience is to destigmatize miscarriage, since it is so common. I also hope to make 1 person feel less alone in their experience, and to know that it was not their fault. If you are reading this and you have experienced a loss, fertility obstacles, or any struggle of your own, please know that my heart is with you and I’m here to offer any support I can. I’m happy to answer any questions, whether on this post, via Instagram, or a private message. Xxx