That was a lie. There is absolutely no reason—none, whatsoever— that makes it okay to neglect your *only* responsibility as a wedding guest. But if this title was “effing respond, you selfish a-hole,” I have a sneaky suspicion most of you wouldn’t have opened the article.

I know, I know, you’re an exception to this rule. You have suuuuuch a great excuse. Let me guess:

“No Stamps Laying Around.” As legit as that is — because really, who has stamps anyway?— its validity is immediately null void since every rsvp envelope comes pre stamped nowadays. Which you would know, if you so much as looked at it. They honestly make it as fool proof as possible, so this excuse really just makes you seem lazy AF. Try again.

“I thought I already sent it.” No the hell you didn’t, you big liar. I’m not sure who you think you’re fooling here, but we’re all onto you. Next.

“I forgot.” OMG…really?! Unless you’re an eight year old answering your teacher about a Show and Tell assignment, that excuse really doesn’t cut it anymore. You’re an adult…time to step up to the plate. Sure, this time it’s just an RSVP, but who knows what’s next. I mean, what would happen if you “forgot” your birth control? No bueno, right? Well, pretend that RSVP envelope is your little white pill—set a 7pm alarm on your phone if you have to—and take the F care of it. (Side note: Brides, how great would it be if you could send a newborn baby to anyone who forgot to RSVP? Bet they won’t make that mistake twice). Next.

“I’m waiting to see if the airfare goes down.” We both know it’s not going to. If your attendance at a wedding comes down to you affording the flight or not, I’m going to assume you’re not that close with the couple. Which means I should probably tell you not to worry, you were on their C list anyway, and they don’t particularly care if you’re there or not. Don’t act so offended…we both know that just yesterday you were complaining to a coworker about having to buy a $300 ticket. Well, you’re off the hook—for attending, that is. The RSVP card? Still needs to be sent. (Oh, and so does a gift). Next.

“I’m like, their bestie, so obviously they know i’ll be there.” Ooh, yeah, no, that’s a hard pass. The only thing obvious about this statement is that you’ve clearly never planned a wedding before. Even if you see the bride every day, that little “attending” or “not attending” box needs a check mark, and if you’re *actually* as close as you seem to think you are, you’ll likely be getting a plus 1, which means you’ll need to note the name of your latest Coffee Meets Bagel victim. Sorry, sweetie, but rules are rules, and you’re no exception. Next.

“Not sure if I want to go just yet, may have other plans that weekend.” What exactly is it that you’re waiting for? The possibility that a guy will offer to whisk you away in his private jet to Mykonos? Cuz that ain’t happening. Listen, Becky, check your calendar, and make a commitment already. It’s no wonder you’re still single.

“Ah, yes, it’s sitting in my car…I’ll mail it out tomorrow.” No you the F won’t. It’s likely been sitting in your cupholder for the past 3 weeks, wedged in between that old Starbucks mug and the dirty chapstick that’s missing its cap. And that’s exactly where it’ll stay until the bride calls, telling you it’s now a week out from the wedding and she doesn’t need you to send it anymore, just tell her whether or not you’ll be there. Let me tell you, that’s a sure way to feel like a real jackass.

Listen, I don’t care if you texted the bride months ago that you “can’t wait for the big day!” or tattooed “RSVP Party of 2” on your effing forehead for everyone to see…send the dang card back! As crazy as it may sound, the couple have a few more pressing things to check off their list than calling 80 guests who fall into one of these categories. They’re not the damn FBI, so don’t make them chase after you. Once you get the envelope, check off “yes” or “no,” and mail it back that day. Easy! No excuses here people, play like a champion.

Every Reason Why You Don't Have To RSVP